Ponyo Chronicles
Hello, it’s been a while since I’ve written because I have been dedicating my time to more precious things,,, a.k.a. anything that doesn’t involve writing a ridiculous blog. But, as the wise man once said, “I’m back on my bullshit.”
Now this time around I’m going to talk about my little brother mostly because he doesn’t have a Facebook TM and the odds of him seeing this are very slim (I hope, because he does not take these things lightly. One time I drew a marker mustache on him while he was sleeping and he didn’t talk to me for a whole week).
I. Origin of Ponyo
The name Ponyo was bestowed on my brother many moons ago and at this point his given birth name has become completely irrelevant. I only call him Ponyo, his contact name in my phone is Ponyo, sometimes I shorten it to “Pon” when I’m feeling lazy, “Le Pon” when I’m feeling fancy, and “Ponce de Leon” when I’m feeling like a Spanish conquistador {often}.
The story behind the name is simple enough. Ponyo was originally the name of a Disney produced anime film starring Noah Cyrus (Miley’s sister). My brother was very taken aback by the fact that a girl could have the same name as him. As a result, we essentially bullied him into accepting Ponyo as his new namesake.
Ok now that that’s out of the way, I’m here to account several things that my brother has exceeded at:
II. Family Portraits
Pon has ruined just about every family portrait we have taken since his birth. Here’s a prime example from my high school graduation:
Flash forward two years, to 2017, at yet another high school graduation. What’s best about this is we get an action shot of my mom visibly getting angry at Ponyo for disrupting another family photoshoot. She looks like the Arthur meme.
Another thing about family pictures is that Ponyo decided to draw his own version, which has been hanging up in our house ever since.
Here’s some artistic analysis for you: Allie is saying “you jerk” to Noah, because ??? probably was the artist’s intention to show his suffering, as indicated by the bubble above his self-portrait. What’s gold here is that Tommy is shown with a huge face covered in pimples BUT some clever lad switched the arrows so that it looks like Noah is the one with the pimples. On the whole it is at best an extremely unflattering picture of us all.
Another note on Ponyo and his family portrait renditions: when Ponyo was in preschool he was often required to draw family pictures, as is standard preschool curriculum. In all of these pictures, for two straight years, he “forgot” (?) to include our older brother Tommy. A few years ago he explained this phenomenon. Apparently when Ponyo and Tommy were once at our great Uncle’s house he heard our G.U. tell Tommy to “make yourself at home.” Young Pon, never having heard that phrase before, reasoned that that was Tommy’s real home and he was not in fact part of our family.
Which is pretty crazy if you think about it. I wonder at what point did he realize that Tommy was in fact our brother?
III. Social Media King
I’m so glad that I had the premonition to preserve Ponyo’s earliest instagram posts (circa the sixth grade.)
Not that it needed to be pointed out, but this was during his chubby era.
III. Theory: Maybe he’s just the least photogenic person on the planet
Evidence:
Equally terrible is the following picture, which, mind you, I found on my mom’s Facebook page and therefore am absolved of blame for bringing it to attention.
For the record, we 100% weren’t hiking hard enough to warrant a hat, bandanna, sunglasses, AND a camelback. Ponyo just was and is a ridiculous human being.
Onto the next: who taught this poor child how to smile? Why does he look so pained??? What’s going on here? To make matters worse, the angle that this picture was taken at is nothing short of atrocious. Part of the blame goes to the photographer.
IV. Other Quirks
Ok very blurry pic (possibly an indicator of speed but more likely an indicator of inadequate photography skills). But this picture serves two purposes. 1) to show that Ponyo actually decided to take up speed skating for a short period, along with nearly every other sport known to man at one point or another. 2) To remind anyone who forgot that Ponyo dressed up as Apolo Ono TWICE for Halloween. Which is the most attention Apolo Ono has ever received apart from a brief stint of being the face of Subway.
That one time he casually built himself a BOW AND ARROW FROM SCRATCH. Who does that????
That time he bleached his hair:
That time that somebody gave him a 5 pound chocolate snowman as a gift??? Possibly an attempt to return him to the chubby era he had so narrowly escaped. Nothing says Happy Holidays like a bag of diabetes.
Ah, Pon. You are an endless source of entertainment. Never change.
V. Honorable Mention
VI. Caveat
On the off-chance that you do find this post: know that it’s meant out of love and also to humble you since we all know that you have basically already succeeded me in everything I’ve ever done.
xoxo,
sister of the year
