Ode to Pool Bandaids

Hannah Zahn
3 min readAug 16, 2019

Greetings folx. It’s been a while since I shared my nonsense opinions on the internet.*

*anyone who follows me on twitter knows that this is a blatant lie.

WITH further ado (plot twist), here are my updates about Life in Chillinois:

Believe it or not, my workday starts at 5:00 am. I know what you’re thinking,, “Hannah, you have ~more than once~ gotten physically ill from waking up earlier than normal.” True! The only reason I am able to get myself to work at 5:00am is because in my world, that is still nighttime. It is basically a late-night excursion.

(I’m probably not getting enough sleep. This morning I watered a very convincing fake plant.)

There are a few perks to working unconventional hours: For one thing, I always have a valid excuse for canceling plans.

“In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.” — John Mulaney

Also, I get to workout at 2:00PM with all the retired old people who constantly compliment me on my athletic prowess, because compared to these dinosaurs I am basically an olympian.

Actually, i have been spending a lot of time with old people these days. I work at a fitness center and old people wake up at 4:30am (God knows why) and come to “work”“out”. Which, really, is an egregiously generous use of that term. There is one man who comes in every day, without fail, at 6:00am, sits in the hot tub for 30 minutes, then leaves. He is everything I aspire to be.

Me and old people: we get along. I think that they can sense that I also take fiber pills and can barely drive. (FYI just because I have my “license” doesn’t mean I can “drive”, so jot that down.)

Hennyways, Throwback Thursday to last year when I was like “wow, my last year of school ever.” I swear to Scooby-Doo, if this is not my last year of school ever for real this time, then I am going to YEET myself off of a cliff.

(And by “school” what I really mean is clown college.)

((and by “clown college” what I really mean is the Harold Ramis Film School at Second City))

(((and by “the Harold Ramis Film School at Second City” what I really mean is .. wait no. that is what I mean. nvm lol gtg byeee ttyl)))

Not that I hate school. I actually mostly enjoy it (despite what my complete disregard for grammar might imply). HOWEVER, i *do* hate being in debt. Ok? Ok.

Ok, here are some late night thots™ on my current life situation:

  • any place that has a sign that says “please do not clip your toenails in here” is not a place I want to shower
  • “I work at a pool” is a deeply upsetting sentence to say out loud as a college graduate
  • water shoes are a hilarious scam
  • someone keeps altering the “POOL STAFF LIST” sign so that it says “POO STAFF LIST”
  • old ladies can and will complain about anything. today an old lady told me that the pool was too cold so I checked, and it was literally 0.8 degrees colder than normal.
  • sometimes when I’m teaching swim lessons children literally spit in my face and I have to pretend like it’s not the worst thing ever
  • I want to be as unbothered as the women who shower nude with the curtains open
  • people still wear CROCS???? I’m in distress
  • that free-floating pool bandaid feels like a metaphor for my life

Even though I said that the old people are my friends,, there is one old lady who is in fact, my new arch-nemesis. She is at least a thousand years old and basically the worst. She looks like, and I don’t know how to explain this any other way, a cartoon. Like you know how cartoons are based on humans? She looks like a human that was based on a cartoon. and her face is permanently fixed in this expression >:o

I think one day she is going to die in the pool just to spite me.

okay my last two brain cells are currently on strike so I guess this is

The End.

xoxo,

sentient pita chip

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