Hair Poo

Hannah Zahn
3 min readMar 12, 2021

Gremlins everywhere are talking about it…

Jack wakes up in the morning like he’s Cinderella. Windows wide open, playing Vivaldi on a record player*, glass footwear. You get it. Evil stepmother… rackety step sisters… a ball. You get it? Speaking of balls I told Jack today that he should call his “the Wrinkle-voss twins.”

*hipster nonsense

Things that would require a legitimate threat to my life in order for me to do them:

  1. wake up “early” to “workout”
  2. think of lists longer than one

Sometimes Jack’s hair looks crazy right when he gets out of the shower and today he told me that it looked like his hair was wearing hair.

And then he said he looked like he got a perm, and he looked like “Little Orphan Annie”, but truthfully he just looked like a little cherub-faced angel to me. An angel with a perm.

I had the luxury of spending many hours in the sun today because I am a nanny and we were on a very serious bug hunt expedition. It is nice to turn over rocks and gather rolly polys, I rarely ever get the time to do so these days. One thing I never quite loved though is the common slug… which just looks and feels like a moving booger. And nobody needs that.

Also, the slug pooed on my hand. So I got pooed on by a booger. Very rude… those slugs.

I just googled “slug” to see if I could come up with anything funny and then I started reading their Wikipedia page and now I know how slugs reproduce and THAT is on you, reader.

Now, before I begin… a short, poo-related story. (not really… although it does come up a lot in my line of work so, maybe keep an open mind here, alright??? Maybe cut me some damn slack if I choose to talk about poo.)

So, the girl I nanny got this Magic 8 Ball. And she didn’t really have a full grasp on… the capabilities of the Magic 8 Ball. She just knew you had to ask it questions (fun anecdote; she calls question marks “mystery marks” lmao). So she gives it a good shake and says: “Magic 8 ball, how do trees work?”

So specific and yet… so vague.

We explain to her that the Magic 8 Ball can answer simple questions, like yes or no questions. I give her an example. “Magic 8 Ball, is Jack going to make me dinner tonight?” (he did.) So she takes the Magic 8 Ball and says, “Magic 8 Ball, is Hannah going to eat poop for dinner tonight?”

She continues to ask the Magic 8 Ball this question over and over and over again. And the worst part of it all… is that she can’t even read!!! So I had to tell her whether or not I was going to be eating shit. (Very Unlikely).

Alright. That’s enough of this. I recommend following this up with an article from the most relatable celebrity I know, Gwyneth Paltrow.

hi David!

If you need me I’ll be busy ignoring your emails. (Unless you are cool and fun)

Lots of Love,

The Albino Bat from Anastasia

“Disney propaganda is the only way forward.” — Tom Hanks

“Stop making podcasts. There are too many.” — me

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