Hannah Zahn
2 min readJul 29, 2018

In response to Gwyneth Paltrow’s company, Goop, becoming worth $250 million dollars, I’ve finally decided to follow the advice of /literally everyone who’s ever met me ever/ and open my own wellness brand,,, “Gunk.”

Here’s a sneak peek at all this future million-dollar-company will have to offer…

GUNK: a lifestyle brand™ (supported worldwide by bat-shit crazy doctors, people who believe in astrology, and leggings that cost $350)

WELLNESS: How to live your life more impractically; advice by a professional rich white blonde woman

Featuring the following articles:

  • Edible Potpourri: nobody asked us to but we did it anyways
  • New Product: Humidifier for Your Vagina
  • How to be a Minimalist While Still Buying Our Products
  • Beauty Tip: New Thing You Should Feel Self-Conscious About
  • “Deciding not to wear makeup changed my life” — story from a conventionally beautiful woman
  • Feeling Stressed? Hook Yourself Up to an IV of the Sweat of Exploited Labor
  • How to Love Your Body: Advice From A Skinny Lady
  • How to Tell if Your Healing Crystal is Really Just a Cough Drop
  • 10 New Dietary Restrictions to Take the Joy Out of Life
  • Science for Women: who needs it?
  • “The people there are so kind” says woman who stayed at a resort in a third world country
  • Beauty Tip: Whiten the Whites of Your Eyes
  • Strategies For Obtaining Token Minority Friend
  • How to Align Your Bowel Movement with the Phases of the Moon
  • Business Tip: How to Capitalize on the Insecurities of Women Under the Guise of “Health & Wellness”