Goth Hot Takes
“[Unholy screeches of the damned]” -me.
The goth world is blowing up right now!!!! 2018 is the biggest year for goths since Panic! at the Disco came out with I Write Sins Not Tragedies.
Hot Take #1: Grimes and Elon Musk
Well, first of all…we came into the limelight once it was revealed that GRIMES was DATING Elon Musk. I hope the All caps here does its job in expressing my utter confusion at this obvious glitch in the matrix.
Grimes, why??? According to my sources, Grimes has officially surpassed Taylor Swift in the race for Most Annoying White Female Celebrity. This was no easy feat.
Grimes, on behalf of all goths I have to say you are no longer welcome in our community. Please join the Horse Girls. Thank you.
I do have to admit that it’s mildly impressive that Elon Musk managed to make himself the villain in the Thai soccer boys cave story.
Perhaps we should credit Grimes with turning Musk into the rich super villain we all knew he had the potential to be. If this was her plan then, bravo Grimes. Bravo.
Equally impressive is the fact that two people named “Grimes” and “Musk” are romantically linked. I feel like this is an important point that the media has failed to call attention to: both of their names sound like adjectives you would use to describe the inside of a sewer system.
Hot Take #2: Cursed Black Sarcophagus
I hope by now all of you have heard about the cursed black sarcophagus that was found in an ancient Egyptian tomb.
According to experts, the tomb had warnings that if it was opened it would unleash a curse on us all. It’s high time humanity had a little global-wide curse thrown at us, in my humble opinion. Bring on the curse! Bring. on. the. curse. (say it with me people) Bring. on. the. curse.
To my deepest dismay, they opened the sarcophagus and no curse seems to have been unleashed. As far as I can tell the world has continued to operate in its “bullshit as usual” default mode.
But, the plot thickens! This plot is #thiccc as Hell. This plot is thicker than a bowl of oatmeal (!!!). [sorry I couldn’t help myself.] Anyways, there was some reddish mummy juice found inside the sarcophagus. MUMMY JUICE. YOU HEARD ME.
Unrelated point #1
I think that the best way to represent all of current pop culture would be to create a film called Mummy Mia starring the cursed black sarcophagus.
Ok. Back to where I was. Mummy Juice. I’m starting a campaign called “Let me drink the mummy juice!” plz send me a dead crow if you are interesting in getting on board.
Apparently the “mummy juice” is actually just sewage. Which ,, is a major callback to my hot take #1. Furthermore, I believe that the claim that this elixir is “sewage” is just a conspiracy created by the government. Furtherfurthermore, I just decided that I’m going to be buried in a cursed coffin filled with Panera Bread’s cheddar broccoli soup so as to confuse future paleontologists.
(This is me giving up on my dream of having a viking funeral. *sigh of mild regret.*)
Hot Take #3: Update on my Love Life
I do not feel love.
Hot Take #4: just kidding
I sent my luvr a grim reaper plush doll in the mail (because::: romance) and I think it would be quite #on-brand if I died before it arrived.
Might have to kill myself for the sake of the meme.
Hot Take #5: Most Recent Political Cause
There’s been a lot of talk surrounding the inadequacies of our binary gender system. I think I have found a solution. Currently, we mostly operate in terms of men and women. I think we can save this by dropping one singular letter.
Let’s let men stay as men. They are the ones that are having the most problems with this “issue” anyhow.
As for everyone else: let’s drop the W in women and embrace the foreboding presage we have always been deep down in our hearts.
Hot Take #6: A Series of Terrible Jokes
- I only date men whose names end in the “sin” sound: If your name is Mason, Carson, Jackson, etc. please feel free to send me a dead crow.
- My favorite type of shoes: moccasins
- My favorite type of dried fruit: Raisins
- My favorite kitchen item: the sink
- My favorite synonym for bowl: basin
- My favorite relationship status: single
- My favorite hollow skull cavities: sinuses
- My favorite calculator function: TAN. Lmao,,, you thought!
People tell me I’m morbid, but I like to think I put the fun in funeral.
Hot Take #7: Very unrelated and off-theme revelation: (I’m srry)
In saying “poopy-de-scoop” Kanye West managed to combine the two meanings of the word scat: the jazz kind and the poop kind.
Omens, I hope you appreciated this latest #gothupdate. Please feel free to follow me on Medium, clap for my articles (up to 50 times! w o w), or send me new hexes.
In the name of all things evil in the year 2018 of our Ford™,
Your humble servant,
short bio that you usually find on annoying Buzzfeed and Odyssey articles but I decided to parody here as well:
Hannah Zahn is an evil witch who works full time as a pre-ghost. She is most well-known for having one of her tweets go semi-viral one time (@zahnbie). She also has multiple twitter accounts including ones called “Hannah wearing a hat”, “Hannah wearing a scarf” and “dis foodblog.” Is this a cry for help? Comment below.