Dear Diary

Hannah Zahn
2 min readOct 12, 2018

Welcome to today’s edition of rampant procrastination and self-sabotage. The weather is a balmy light-sweater degrees out, as it always is, without fail, here in the Chillicon Valley™.

How is lovely Slim Reaper™ doing on this fine Thursday afternoon? Well, to be honest, last quarter I got gum stuck in my hair on three different occasions…Including one particularly confusing and harrowing situation which happened in the Nepal airport. By comparison, I am doing a much better job at not falling asleep while chewing gum, so we’ll chalk that one up to a W.

What else is new? Well, my school renovated the cafeteria so that it now resembles what an Ikea would look like if it were designed by someone who had never seen an Ikea, but had heard it be described by someone else. It is fancy but there is also something vaguely Swedish about it.

I suppose this is an attempt by the administration to distract us all from the fact that last year rats falling from the ceiling smack dab onto the $12 salad bar was a fairly regular occurrence. I have to admit, it is working.

Not that I minded eating in Rats R Us™,,,, I mean ,,, I’ve seen Ratatouille. I know what those culinary geniuses can do if given the chance.

I’ve recently started eating rice cakes instead of toast for breakfast which is the perfect move to make if you happen to be an insane weirdo. Totally kidding. Rice cakes are amazing. So good, in fact, that I can let it slide that they slander the word “cake” so egregiously as to make “pancakes” seem like an honorable and appropriate title.

My love life right now is abysmal. I feel more and more connected to the scene in Sandlot where the boy pretends to drown in order to receive human affection. The last time I was this lonely was when I contracted the flu on Valentine’s Day and was told by my doctor that, due to my extremely high fever, I should quote, “remain in isolation until further notice.” It’s been 8 months and I have yet to receive any so-called “notice” but I assure you that I check my mail every day.

Since I am surprisingly single (shocking given my natural charm and obvious stability) I’ve decided to re-open my book of ideas and give some of them a go.

Experiments I want to try:

  1. murder
  2. ;lol jk
  3. Buy the same exact shoes as my arch-nemesis, except one size smaller. Devise a plan to get arch-nemesis to remove their shoes. Replace ONE of the nemesis’ shoes with the smaller shoe (discreetly). Watch my arch-nemesis rue the day.
  4. Acquire an arch-nemesis.
  5. create a size in between small and medium called schmedium.
  6. live out my childhood dream of being a piece of lint for Halloween
  7. believe in ghosts (for scientific purposes)
  8. get a career
  9. start a family
  10. turn 30
  11. die
  12. eat less cauliflower

Ok that’s all. Love you love you hate you love you.

-Soup Baby