Wooooo! Look at you! Having a girlfriend and what not. How great. How good for you! I’m so glad you’re in a relationship. So glad. I’m single, and I like to tell people that I’m single by choice. But no one’s really single by choice. Being single might be a choice but it’s definitely not a first choice. More often than not, it’s a consequence of who you are as a person.
But luckily for you, you are not single. In fact, based on the current circumstance; i.e. you choosing to read an article entitled “7 Best Vacation Spots to Take Your Girlfriend”, you are in a relationship. But perhaps I am assuming too much. Perhaps your girlfriend is your cat. Which is weird. But the internet is a vast and scary place so, who knows. Also if your girlfriend is your cat then you might not want to read this article because I know nothing about cats. (Surprising because I have all the characteristics of a future cat lady, but I am operating under the assumption that figuring out cats won’t be a steep learning curve. I’ll let you know how this goes in the next 30–40 years, or whenever it is that I inevitably give up on love.)
Ok, so we have established that you, dear reader, are in a relationship. Lovely. I hope to be in one too someday. (This is just a joke, I have been in a relationship before, please do not worry about my wellbeing or sanity. I’m normal!) Alright, enough of that. Not only are you in a relationship, but you are also planning to take your significant other on a vacation. Wow! I hope someone does this for me someday. How romantic!
Also, to be clear, your girlfriend definitely deserves a vacation. Especially if she’s dating your sorry ass! Just kidding, I don’t know you. But I am very sure of the fact that your girlfriend deserves a vacation. And without further ado, here are seven places you should take her, but only if you want to be a good partner and maintain mutual love and not end up alone with more than the acceptable amount of cats. If that is the case, please read on. If that is not the case, then goodbye, I have enjoyed going on this journey with you up to this point.
Seven Best Vacation Spots to Take Your Girlfriend: (from the point of view of an expert, me, who is a girl, who is a friend to multiple people, and who at one point has been both a girl and a friend, aka a girlfriend, and who has also been to cool places and vacation spots, specifically the best vacation spots.)
1. A cemetery! Kill your girlfriend.
2. The Grand Canyon: a great opportunity to push your girlfriend over the edge of a cliff.
3. The ocean: very easy to dispose of bodies.
4. My house! Dump your girlfriend (literally, in the ocean, see number 3 for reference) and date me instead.
5. The Grand Canyon. Again? Yes. Now that I’m your girlfriend I want to go to the Grand Canyon. I have never been there.
6. Target, so I can dump you for taking me to Target. Target, really? Who do you think I am — one of those normies on twitter? Nice try bud. Download Tinder and find a new girlfriend before continuing this list. I’ll wait.
7. New Orleans! Woo, the big easy. Congratulations, girlfriend number three. You made it. But now that I know where you are I am going to come and avenge your past misdeeds. This was all a huge setup. Now you’re in jail.